Motivation
As the title of this archive suggests, I’ve suffered from depression for most, if not all of my life.
My first suicide attempt was at 8 years old, and things only seemed to get worse form there.
After the failure of my last long term relationship, I’d fallen deep into the depths of alcoholism, and my life had begun deteriorating to the point that I was essentially bed bound.
I would awaken, have a panic attack, violently lament the fact I had not died in my sleep, and then proceed to suffer until the mental exhaustion permitted me once again to sleep my unwanted life away.
During much of my life, starting at the age of 3, I’ve also been in therapy and on and off various medications.
This chapter begins with the commencement of a new medication, Olanzapine.
Olanzapine is a rather heavy Anti-Psychotic medication, and I was trialing it as it seemed to help me stay asleep, a common struggle for those afflicted with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And although only minimally, numb my moods.
Unfortunately, Olanzapine also has a 3-fold effect on weight gain.
- It has a tendency to ‘numb’ the stomach, meaning that one no longer receives the signal to say “Hey! I’m Full!”.
For this reason, over-eating whilst on the medication is common. - It causes metabolic disturbances, insulin resistance, and a decrease in fat oxidation.
- It’s increases the patients appetite.
For these 3 reasons, amongst others like my alcohol abuse and sedentary existence, I gained a -significant- amount of weight of the 1-2 years I was taking the medication, Something in the order of 20+ Kilos.
I’d never been overweight before, if anything I’d always been alarmingly underweight.
As is understandable, this weight gain troubled me greatly.
Not only was I miserable…now I was fat and miserable.
This, to me, was unacceptable.
It was a new level of decay I’d never experienced, one that I could not internally romanticize, and for someone so plagued by self-loathing any reflective surface had now become a torturous event.
Something had to change.
So I met with my psychiatrist, and we developed a plan to taper off the Olanzapine, and onto an older, more depression focused medication, Mianserin.