Unexpected Joy
So during this time, as I would make my way once every one or two days into the kitchen to eat a single piece of buttered toast, I would often notice one particular wall.
when walking down the hallway, at the far end is a wall…you could barely call it a wall, really.
more of a semi-wall, a half-ling, who’s existence served merely to separate, to some degree, the living room and the kitchen.
It was one of those awkward spaces in a house which exist purely as a side effect of all the other things which have purpose.
I ‘d long ago stuck a couple of those cheap plastic hooks on it for my keys, and it served as a space to remove and leave one’s shoes when entering the home.
Beyond that, it was little more than a dank corner, an afterthought where neglect goes to hide.
Below the key-hooks had been scuffed from years of keys being removed and replaced, and along the baseboard had been similarly scuffed from years of shoes being removed a little to energetically and gently marking the wall.
But just as water erodes a stone, so do these subtle imperfections compound over time.
and every time I walked down that hallway, I’d begun noticing them more and more.
Occasionally whilst waiting for the toaster I’d gently probe the dents and scuffs with my finger…..wasn’t too deep….could probably fill that with a little mud….wasn’t too scuffed…a good scrubbing…maybe even a lick of paint….i could probably do that….it’s not like it’s a BIG wall…I bet I can handle a little mud…a little paint…
Now, it doesn’t sound like much, but this was in and of itself new to me.
“I could”
“I can”
Phrases until now largely unknown to my inner-dialogue.
and they hadn’t come from any self-help books, mirror faced mantras, or any conscious effort at all.
They’d simply emerged, organically, of their own accord.
As the days passed and my body began to repair itself, something else also began.
At first it was a curiosity, gradually congealing into eagerness, then into quiet anticipation
and finally metastizising into full-blown excitement.
This was the next step, my next measurable progress.
I was going to fix the wall.
A couple of weeks had by now passed, and though I was still a bit shaky, and quick to become fatigued, the second I felt even momentarily capable I got dressed and bundled myself into the car, straight to the hardware store.
There I bought and primers and brushes and mud and sandpaper, arms full and eyes glimmering I struggled to the car, determined.
I was going to fix the wall.
And so I did – I plastered the dents, and waited a day for it to dry, each time i entered the kitchen walking over to the wall to see the progress of it’s drying, the quality of my approach.
Eventually I sanded and primed the repairs, then I took a bit of chipped paint back to the hardware store and hurriedly matched the paint, I bought fresh painters tape and rollers, even a fit-for-purpose handled bucket for the cutting in.
the wall, perhaps spanning just over a meter in length, took me 3 days.
“but that’s ok” I’d told myself
“I’m learning”
“just like the walks – the more I do the better I’ll get.
“it doesn’t have to all be done at once – things happens in stages”
Once again, these thoughts hadn’t been imposed, they weren’t some trite attempt at “positive self-talk”, they were just….organic, natural, a learned behaviour repeating itself.
Looking back to that sunny day, covered in paint and tape and plasterers mud…..was perhaps the most hopeful I’ve ever been.
I was doing.
Something had changed during those 2 weeks on the antibiotics, some….evil had been purged from me, a darkness expelled – I hadn’t made the connection yet, but the shift was undeniably evident.
I was thinking clearer, I was experiencing happiness, actual happiness, for the first time in my life.
Not the dizzying escape of intoxication masquerading as joy that I was used to, but genuine fulfilment.
And of course, the addict in me couldn’t just….stop there.
The wall itself meets in the corner with the back door, which had been similarly neglected over the decades.
“it’d look silly to have one perfect wall next to this grungy old door….in fact the contrast makes the door look worse“
And so of course I removed the fixtures, taped it up….and rejuvenated it as well.
…but that door was met by another wall…which then lead to the pantry doors…which then led down the hallway….
A month later I found myself, one gorgeous sunny day, standing in my completely empty bedroom, covered in paint and sweat and putty.
I’d stripped everything out of it, patched, plastered, sanded the walls, torn down and thrown out the old curtains and lamp, sold the old dresser and side-table…it was day 3 of the full room renovation and what was once the darkly sinister theatre in which my active decay had played out, was now more of an active construction site, filled with sun and air and hope and fresh paint.
And surprsingly, I couldn’t have been happier.
It reached a point where on one trip to a hardware store on the other side of town – on a quest for a specific piece of equipment – I found myself sitting in my beat up old car, no air-conditioning, engine whining in distress, steering wheel gently trembling, music playing out of a cheap bluetooth speaker haphazardly jammed in the open glove-box….stuck in totally stationary traffic.
2 minutes became 5, became 10….
But the sky was so blue.
The sun was so warm.
And the breeze so cool and fresh.
Around me, people visibly lamented their predicament….but me?
As I peacefully lay back against my headrest, dreamily watching the clouds drifting gently through that crisp blue sky, the bluest blue I’d ever seen, I smiled – not just on my face, but in the very depths of my soul – and throughout my entire being, like a blinding sunrise.
And for the first time in my entire life, in all my nearly 40 years….I felt a deep, honest, raw and absolute – Joy.
I was outside
everything was so beautiful, and I was a part of it now.
I was doing things
I was capable of doing things now – I had energy, and discipline, and control.
I was a person now.
A real person!