Sleep & Light
I’ve battled with sleep for many years, another aspect of my damaged self to which I had applied a dizzying array of medications, light therapies, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, with no improvement whatsoever.
I grew up as a young 12 year old boy, living on the streets
it was important to keep alert during the long, cold nights, when it was imperative one remain awake so as not to become vulnerable and thus a victim.
Sleep, was as such, the enemy, and the battle would lead one from coffees, to “No-Doz” Caffiene Pills and from their to the depths of more serious substance abuse in order to endure.
As such, Night becomes Day, as it’s safer to remain awake and on the move at night, dodging the seemingly infinite potential for danger.
So one learns instead to sleep during the day, somewhere in sight of others.
Somewhere where it is less likely for the raggedy men, stinking of booze and stale piss, to find a sleeping child alone in the dark.
As a result, the idea that sleep could only be safely achieved during the day had attached itself to my PTSD, and firmly embedded itself into my psyche for decades thereafter.
As I’ve touched upon elsewhere, one of the positive effects of the medication regiment I’d begun was that I was beginning to be able to sleep at night, and even wake up before the afternoon had already made it’s mark on the day.
An eventuality we hadn’t planned for, an eventuality that was unheard of for me, an eventuality that was incredibly welcome.
This was already a new experience, and gave me options for not just interacting with the world at a more reasonable hour, but for having the time in which to do so.
I liked this, so I wanted to see if I could expand upon it.
I’d begun waking at around 11am, and once this pattern had been established I enacted my plan, and set my next alarm for 10:30am.
But I’d need to keep track of my progress, to know if it was working, so I had a look around and eventually settled on an elegantly simple habit tracking app.
Loop Habit Tracker.
I set my goal, to wake up 30 minutes earlier, at or before 10:30am, and each day I did I would mark it in my tracker app.
Being aware of importance of light for regulating the circadian rythm, and what was quickly becoming a fear of getting ‘stuck’ in bed again, I would then be sure to rise almost immediately, and sit on the patio with a coffee, letting the sun rest upon my eyes, and signal to my body clock “This is when we wake up”.
I also found that being awake so early (for me) meant there was a lot of day to experience.
and so I began opening the curtains, and instead of hiding away inside, letting the light, and the world, in.
I now had time to do things, and light to do them in, so I would open up and go about tasks.
I’d do laundry, take out bins, go to the store to do the groceries instead of having them delivered, and of course, go for my walks.
I was awake during the day, I had the time and light to do things…and so I did them.
As the weeks went on, I kept establishing a new normal time for waking up…and then reducing that time by 30 minutes.
10:30 became 10 became 9:30 became 9.
and the longer my days became, the more I had to find to fill them.
I also worked on developing healthier sleep hygiene, I started going to bed at a certain time, I set aside soft, comfortable clothes just for sleeping in, I reduced the light around my home from 8pm onward, and set an alarm to take my medication at the same time each night.
After a few weeks, I was regularly going to bed at 9, sleep at about 11:30, and regularly waking up at 9.
This may seem an absurd point of progress to most people, but for me it was totally unheard of, it was entirely new to me.
Even the morning sun, the way it sat in the sky and soaked through the trees was foreign to me.
It was like being a part of an alien world, and I was still coming to terms with how to function in this new reality.